Be Good to Your Daughters

  I've been thinking a lot, lately. I do most of my thinking at night, when the family has gone to sleep and my music and books help me escape. Sometimes the books and music aren't enough. I turn off the white cone speakers and put down A Little Princess and over think. This can be good and it can be bad. What I've been thinking about, during my insomnia filled nights, is the future. It's uncertainty. How scary it is. How we don't know what job we will have in ten years, or if our highschool crush, who we swear is the one, will actually become the one?
  Being a Christian I have to choose every day that my Redeemer has got that all handled. But, sometimes I get worried that I'm the only one looking out for me. And that isolation scares me. The vulnerability is just something I can't confide in. I need to have a saviour. I need someone to save me. Lately I've been struggling with thinking that this hero is an actual person. Someone who walks among me, and is just waiting for that right time to break out and let me know it's going to be okay. Something deep inside of me keeps telling me to believe in a more powerful love than any human could radiate. I've been waiting for so long for a father. A physical earthly father to appear. Maybe I just need to focus on and embrace the Heavenly Father's love that has been there for me the whole time.
  I'm just saying it's hard to believe that someone will love you like a father should, when your earthly father can't or won't.
  I hate crying. It's always been a prideful characteristic of mine. I feel it makes me look weak. I used to cry in front of everyone. So willing and hopeful that their acceptance would just rain down on me. Now I cry in front of no one. I hide because of fear. While I sit and cry in my room I keep thinking to myself,
  "This is when my dad comes to the rescue. He knows I'm upset. He will come love me."
 I look at my bedroom door over and over. Hoping that this fantasy will come true. But, it never does. It's hard to think that if an earthly father can't love me, how will a Heavenly Father? I just want some sort of father because I've been deprived for too long.