Mona Lisa

Mona lisa my heart.
Look but don't touch.
It's smart that you left it to fall apart.
California will sit and mend it.
He will stitch up the tears,
but the scars will still be there.
They will sulk in a war of definition.
They will stop in the middle of a combat zone.
They've been there so long, I'm beinging to think they're etched in my bone.
I can't get them to go away.
I've tried so hard, it's almost as bad as my yearning to go home.
But what if going home is like placing a bandaid on a
bullet wound?

The Boy

The boy, at home, was left alone and cries for my protection.
From miles away I can hear him say, "I don't know why she left me."
But what do I do when I crave shelter too, and just absolutely
have to be free?

Wilderness

Taxed and trapped among the trees, the wilderness encases me.
Scraped by the branches, bruised by the thorns
I don't think I'll ever make it out.
I don't think I'll ever make it home.
They say you'll find refuge in the forest but all I've found is bones.
Dragging the dull sword my eyes get lost on the ground.
My olive branch of peace only seems to fade.
But I take heart.
My refuge, my justice starts at the end of the forest walls.
I won't stop treading these grounds.
Bleeding through the woods I'll find those walls
and I will find my rain.

Love Go.

Pain and love come hand in hand.
They break and shake you until you're dead.
With lost experience you'll cluth your throat.
You'll hope the rope won't break your skin.
When it does you'll understand
pain and love go hand in hand.
A second wind will pick you up
to shelter thoughts of redemption.
"Love doesn't have to come with the pain."
Is what you will tell yourself.
And the rope will tighten its grip.
You'll cry out to make it end.
With that final breath around the bend
your final prayer will creep through your bones.
 "Pain and love, please leave me alone."


Love come.
Love go.
Love leave me alone.

Be Good to Your Daughters

  I've been thinking a lot, lately. I do most of my thinking at night, when the family has gone to sleep and my music and books help me escape. Sometimes the books and music aren't enough. I turn off the white cone speakers and put down A Little Princess and over think. This can be good and it can be bad. What I've been thinking about, during my insomnia filled nights, is the future. It's uncertainty. How scary it is. How we don't know what job we will have in ten years, or if our highschool crush, who we swear is the one, will actually become the one?
  Being a Christian I have to choose every day that my Redeemer has got that all handled. But, sometimes I get worried that I'm the only one looking out for me. And that isolation scares me. The vulnerability is just something I can't confide in. I need to have a saviour. I need someone to save me. Lately I've been struggling with thinking that this hero is an actual person. Someone who walks among me, and is just waiting for that right time to break out and let me know it's going to be okay. Something deep inside of me keeps telling me to believe in a more powerful love than any human could radiate. I've been waiting for so long for a father. A physical earthly father to appear. Maybe I just need to focus on and embrace the Heavenly Father's love that has been there for me the whole time.
  I'm just saying it's hard to believe that someone will love you like a father should, when your earthly father can't or won't.
  I hate crying. It's always been a prideful characteristic of mine. I feel it makes me look weak. I used to cry in front of everyone. So willing and hopeful that their acceptance would just rain down on me. Now I cry in front of no one. I hide because of fear. While I sit and cry in my room I keep thinking to myself,
  "This is when my dad comes to the rescue. He knows I'm upset. He will come love me."
 I look at my bedroom door over and over. Hoping that this fantasy will come true. But, it never does. It's hard to think that if an earthly father can't love me, how will a Heavenly Father? I just want some sort of father because I've been deprived for too long.

I Have Hope

    It's been on my mind a lot: love. The idea of love. How it started. I'm curious about the whole situation. I love to people watch and finding a couple who are completely infatuated with their other is astounding. I feel like I just hit the observers jackpot. I mean, to have someone so in love with all of you... your bad habits, bad driving skills, the procrastination, all of your flaws in general. I can't imagine someone ever loving those things about me. Trust me, i've got plenty of flaws. Sometimes I get so down on myself, the only thing I can ever see in the mirror is flaws. It's sick. It's so easy to focus on the bad until you're to the point where you start hating yourself, and could never see anyone loving you.
    Have you seen teenage girls doing that to themselves? They put pictures of something they hate about themselves and caption, "Well (insert flaw) is wrong with me. #foreveralone."? Have you seen those? (No? Count yourself lucky.) This is where that stems from. These girls are just more vocal about the whole thing, and a bit more naieve. We as a society are insecure, and afraid of being alone. We see all of these couples together, and the passion that overwhelms them. We become envious, because we doubt that anyone could love all of what we are.
    I often think that I am too serious all the time, and no one will ever see my brick wall persona. I will admit that I am very afraid of being alone. I mean how could anyone love past a broken but powerful brick wall? And if they somehow smash the brick wall, how will the broken brick wall ever find the courage to love, when it has been so damaged in the past? In reality I'm wrong. I hate admitting that I'm wrong, but I am. With time and persistence, brick walls crumble. This is not a bulldozer to the wall, but a loving process to unmask who the brick wall really is. You are not that brick wall. Don't associate your life to that brick wall. You may feel hurt and broken, but that is not who you are. Don't wear your pains like a necklace. That is not how this life is intended to be lived. It may take a while, but brick by brick your wall will fall and you will climb over it. That sounds pretty cliche, but this is my blog.
  I have yet to experience love, but I have hope. I did not have this hope previously, but as I grow older I recognize that my perspective on love has been frayed. I am just now beginning to learn what love is and can truly be. I have hope that a compassionate and powerful love will one day seek out and save me.